Seattle Press on Line - Falkenbury's Fixes

Small Ideas for Seattle

Falkenbury's Fixes

By Dick Falkenbury

Mar 22, 2001 -- Two issues ago, I mentioned that I thought that Franz Kafka was running the city: that is an affront to Mr. Kafka, and I apologize to him.

I was talking about the fog that has descended over local government like we are following a 1989 Horizon in desperate need of an oil change, and I was going to suggest answers to a few of our city's murkiest problems.

Then we got hit by a visit from Mr. Shakes. I took a week off to complain about the media overreaction--and they're still at it. KIRO TV anchor Susan "Never Mind the Facts; How's My Hair?" Hutchison called Pioneer Square a "scene of devastation." A couple of bricks on the sidewalk and one or two caved-in roofs do not a devastation make. I've suffered more damage on a blind date.

To retrash your memory, my February 21 column cited three major city problems.

1. Merge Metro and King County--finally! In 1990, it was ordered that Metro (which deals with transit and sewage) and the rest of King County government merge into one agency. In the 11 years since, King County government has spent $37 million (and counting) trying to combine the Metro and county payrolls into one unified system. Today they still don't have a combined, single-payroll system, and the two agencies have several thousand workers.

Here's what you do. Take a deep breath, get the heads of the unions in one room and decide which system is best. Then offer each and every worker a one-time $1,000 bonus if they all accept the new system without complaint. Publish the names of whoever turns the deal down and try again with a $900 bonus. I predict that, for $1,000, everyone will agree.

2. The Aquarium. Last time I visited the Aquarium (those otters are sooo slow ... I stole two herrings away from them). I spent a while in the Grand Dome Room. This is a room entirely underwater with hundreds of fish, dozens of varieties, swimming all around you. You are in the tank and the fish are watching you. As soon as I went in there, I was surrounded by the happy voices of children--they love it!

Put the whole of the new aquarium underwater. Yes, all of it. The planners will tell you it is too expensive, can't be done ... you know, the usual. Get rid of those planners, and bring in someone who knows what you want and will do it. An underwater aquarium would block no views, plus we'd have all of the room in the world, and we can add to it any time we want.

3. Magnuson Park. There are virtually no trees there--the water table is so close to the surface, the trees' roots would drown. Until you raise the level of the ground, you won't get anywhere. We can lift the park up by digging the soil out of Mud Lake.

Mud Lake used to be a tiny lake in the middle of the park--about where the old commissary is now. Excavate it, bringing back Mud Lake, and pile the extra soil onto Magnuson Park. Then leave the old buildings largely alone--use them for what they were built for: office buildings for offices, barracks for housing and so on. Use the money saved ($50 million or so) to buy up open space.

Now, I am tired, and as soon as I find Mr. Bear, I am going to bed.

Talk to Dick: falkenbury@aol.com.

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